*from craigslist | missed connections in north DFW*

It Will Be Never  

It's been almost a year since you made your choice. Oh, I know you said that you didn't choose until Dec or Jan, but I knew in Oct that you'd already chosen. And in retrospect, I know that you never really felt for me what you claimed. I heard your words, I read what you wrote, but I saw how you acted, and the two did not match. Actions do speak louder than words. I wish now, in retrospect, that I'd been willing to take some action in Sept, that might have made a least a short term difference, but in the long run, I know the truth now. 

I know you won't see this, that even if you did, it wouldn't change anything. I understand that all I ever was to you was a substitute for who you really wanted, and when you got them back, you no longer really wanted or cared about me. I understand that had life been different, less awkward and uncomfortable, that things might have been better between us, but still it wouldn't have changed the underlying fact that once you got the chance at the person you really wanted, that I was no longer "necessary" or even "wanted". 

I still love you. That's just a fact, and I can't seem to make myself let go. I try, almost every day, to let go, but I don't succeed. I know you don't care, it doesn't effect you, you don't have to deal with me any more, and you're happy. Well, that's alright too. I'm glad, in some ways, that you are happy. I just wish that you could have been happy with me. 

But things have changed, and changed pretty drastically. Now, no matter how much I love you, I really don't trust you. You'd definitely have to earn the trust I so freely gave you before. And that, above all else, would be the killing factor in any relationship between us. Because it would disrupt your "activities", and keep you from what you always said was most important to you. Not, from what I hear now, that that is true, you're all wrapped up with her, and don't have time for your friends any more. Another little inaccuracy from you. Or you've decided that all the people that were your friends are less important that the new crop of friends this year. Either way, I know that you've left me bitter, angry and upset. (you'd never guess that from this post, I'm sure). You've left me doubting both myself, and everyone around me. I don't know if I'll ever trust as completely as I used to again. I certainly won't trust you as completely again. 

Strangely, I don't blame you for what you said. I've thought about it, and talked about it, and I believe that you firmly believed every lie you told me. That it was never me you lied to, but yourself. I blame myself now, more than anything or anyone else. I was the one that made the decision to continue to try. I was the one that chose not to walk away in Sept last year when I should have. 

It's not how many breaths you take, but the times that take your breath away. I don't regret the times that took our breath away. Not at all. In that respect, I'm happy for Sept, and Oct. And I was willing to make it last longer, to take the action I thought would make you happy. But it's water under the bridge. And the bridge is pretty successfully burnt to ashes, and the ashes scattered. So I'll post this, because I needed to say it somewhere, and this is a "safe" place to post it, as anonymous as you can pretty much get.